Bear with me - I'll try to keep it short and simple
I just need to verbalise a little...just put some feelings down on "paper" if you will. Writing has always helped me, it's like talking to someone about your problem, it somehow becomes lighter.
A few weeks ago someone hurt me badly...I'm a Crab. Born in early July, if you are into the Stars, all I can say is that I am a fairly typical Cancerian...on the outside you see a hard shell, but on the inside there is a very soft mushy side to me which doesn't cope with a lot of poking - it starts to hurt.
My mother in law misunderstoon a reply from me to one of her e-mails and forwarded it onto one of her sons (and goodness knows who else...?) by mistake, that e-mail ended up in MY in-box and I read some nasty stuff about myself.
I felt gutted. Michael(hubby) read it too. It came into our work e-mail...
Michael did something extremely out of character - he picked up the phone and told his mother how much she'd hurt both of us with her actions. He reminded her of :
* the fact that since I had married him, we had always spent Christmas with her
* ever since we've had children, I have always made sure we catch up for birthdays, Christmas, Easter, they are always invited to School Plays and award ceremonies, eisteddfods, dance concerts and basketball finals
* I single handedly organised their 50th wedding anniversary, her 70th Birthday and his dad's 75th Birthday
* I am the only daughter in law who will ring her every couple of weeks to update her with news of her granddaughters
Michael also spoke to her about the fact that yes, I might be outspoken and "fiery", but I have a lot of people who love me and they don't have as much trouble getting to know me as she claims to have. He also said that he loved me just the way I am and wouldn't change a thing about our life together...
This was a huge and amazingly lovely thing for him to do - you see, he is very "old fashioned" in his dealings with his parents, in that he respects them highly and would usually not enter into conflict with them unless the cause was worth it.
It truly flooded my heart with love for him because I know how hard this would have been for him, but as he said to me, he's had enough of his mother focusing on the "bad" instead of seeing the good I do.
I know mother/daughter-in-law relations aren't always easy, but I can truly say I gave it my best shot. After nineteen years of hitting my head against a brick wall and feeling repressed because my mother in law takes absolutely everything I say and do the wrong way, I've had enough...
If only she knew that the fiery, "bitchy" daughter in law that she finds so difficult is absolutely broken hearted and reduced to feeling insecure and afraid to speak out in case everyone else also finds me hard to take...
I feel like maybe I should change the way I speak, the way I act...but that would mean changing WHO I AM...
Feeling so very low.
Sorry, no airy, light, happy picture for you tonight, just me...feeling gutted and confused.
Where to from here?
FABULOUS SANDRA! ... The ramblings of a 40 - something wife and mum on a journey to be the best version of me.
Oh Sandra, I am literally on my way out of the door but I couldn't not comment. I could have cried along with you. Sending you a BIG hug. What a lovely husband you have. So much more to say but it will have to wait until later when I have some time. Sarah x
ReplyDeleteAw you poor thing Sandra. I went through something very similar with my parents in law several years ago and the worst part was that I thought we'd always had a good relationship and was absolutely blindsided by it all.
ReplyDeleteHas taken me years to get over and even now it's very uncomfortable - remember you chose hubs but don't have a say with your inlaws unfortunately. I'd just take the high moral ground, say nothing and keep your distance. It's more a reflection of them than of you.
Hugs
Liz;)
Sarah and Liz,
ReplyDeleteThanks.
I was a bit apprehensive about posting this because you always run the risk of offending others or being "judged". But I should have known better, we have a great Blogging community going on here.
Sarah - I really appreciate the fact that you took the time to comment, thank you for the HUG.
Liz - Thank you for sharing your own experience...funnily enough your advice is identical to Michael's...and he's their son.
xoxox
Sandra, I'm a crab too so I know exactly how you would have felt. I would find it virtually impossible to get past a hurt of that magnitude and resume a relationship at any level. But you have your hubby by your side and thats what matters the most. He is a wise man for stepping up and defending you therby giving you what you needed at the time. Unless your MIL sincerely apologises the relationship will naturally cool and that may be for the best. Hold your head high. Continue being you. And take comfort in the love and support you have around you.
ReplyDeleteXX Magda
Thanks Magda,
ReplyDeleteI have come to the realisation that this relationship cannot be mended. She is on a holiday at the moment, so it's given me time to cool off a little. When she comes back I will hold my head high and move on, I cannot go on as if nothing had happened, so I think keeping it at arm's length is the only way to go.
xoxox