Let's just say this weekend has been draining...emotionally. I'm not sure exactly what triggered it (can't seem to remember as far back as Saturday) but I found myself having some deep and meaningfuls with hubby which left me drained but at the same time have given me the wake up call I've needed for a while now.
There were many tears, a "tantrum" or two...a restless night with little sleep and the stress of having to keep every day life flowing for the girls as if nothing was wrong.
The three days away in such a highly social-based conference were a real eye opener for me and a time to face some hard facts which I've been sweeping under the carpet.
Without boring you with details, let's just say that I came to the realisation that my being overweight is affecting -
* my marriage
* my business
* my social life
* my health
* my self-esteem
In a nutshell, if I don't look good (and "good" may be different things to different people), I don't function at my best in any of the areas above.
During the conference I felt frumpy - I can honestly say not once did I look in the mirror and think "I look good". The worst occasions were the two evening events...sometimes even a well-loved LBD won't cut it, and this was the case for me. I wasn't even able to make an impact with make-up...my skin is looking dull and my eyes look tired.
I also felt unfit - most of the people I went with would progress to a couple of after parties after the main events, and even though I was invited, I just didn't go along. I just wanted to get to bed as early as possible and I guess this could also be a sign of depression...
Summing up, I felt that I didn't project the image I'm so used to putting out there when at work functions - well groomed, well dressed, confident and confident...no siree, not this time.
During my soul-searching weekend, Michael (hubby) said a few things to me that I'd never heard from him before, and a couple of them I'd like to share.
Firstly, he said he loved me as I was right now. The weight is just a number, but it's what that number is doing to my self esteem that is worrying him. In his words, he would love me at this weight for ever more if I could be happy at this weight.
Another thing he said was a bit of a shock to me - he said that while I was away, he was struggling to keep all the balls in the air, and many times he thought to himself that I must be pretty well organised to keep on top of things. This was great to hear as I am my own worst critic and think I am never good enough...
After all the talking and crying and going over stuff over and over again, I came to a couple of conclusions...that I am blessed to have this wonderful man and my beautiful daughters in my life, and that if the way I am right now is not the best version of me (I know this is a current "cliche" out there...) then it is me and only me that can do something about it. Michael will support me, but he can't do it for me.
*******************************
So this morning was my next PT session with Kim...I have done *nothing* that she recommended since I first saw her two weeks ago, so I was a little apprehensive, not to mention a tad frail after this weekend.
Luckily, Kim is a "let's leave the past behind and move on" type of girl...she did however kick my ass with a full body circuit that worked muscles I haven't spoken to in years...oh, and she is very clever at working my core without even mentioning it to me LOL
So, my *homework* has been set. Unfortunately I don't see Kim for another three weeks as she is competing next week and then has some travel commitments. Between now and then I have weekly sessions that *have* to be completed, as well as what she calls "recreational" cardio of my choice to do. Diet will be cleaned up 100%, and here is the bit I like - I have to text Kim after every work out I complete (recreational or not)...I asked her was she sure...I didn't want to be bothering her with my texts etc... and her reply was "It's called accountability, baby!"
So that's where I'm at - I think the biggest thing I got out of this weekend is that I have admitted that I am at *rock bottom*...can't get much lower than that, so the only thing to do is to start climbing back up - one foot in front of the other.
Til next time.
xo
FABULOUS SANDRA! ... The ramblings of a 40 - something wife and mum on a journey to be the best version of me.
You know what? This actually isn't such a bad place to be. Sometimes you need to hit the bottom before you can bounce back up.
ReplyDeleteLove that Kim wants you to text her, it really will be the motivtation you may need. How easy would it be to otherwise kid yourself or hide for three weeks. This way, as she said, you have accountability.
So good to get things out in the open with your husband too. Insecurities and unhappiness feed on silence and eat us up. Confronting them and sharing them mean that you can turn them into positives rather than letting them eat away at you.
Michael sounds hugly supportive and loving so let him help you just like you help him in keeping all those balls in the air.
Put aside how you have been feeling and take it one step at a time. Positive thoughts and positive actions very quickly start to take affect. You may not have or be everything you want over night but acknowledging every small step give you the drive to keep moving forward.
Most of all, be proud of yourself, banish the negative thoughts, they are just a bad habit that you've now kicked.
Keep us posted! x
Thanks for your kind and wise words, Sarah...I will most definitely keep you posted. The good, the bad and the ugly :-)
DeleteSandra the fact that you have emptied your head of these thoughts and been brave enough to share them with us is half the battle my friend. So congratulations for being honest with yourself and and with us, that takes a lot of guts. Hats off to you.
ReplyDeleteLike I've said before, you can't keep looking into the rear-vision mirror of life because sooner or later we'll crash. So keep your eyes firmly on the road that lays ahead of you and focus on the immediate journey. Be more forgiving of yourself and the many lessons you learn along the way. Sometimes we have to repeat our lessons over and over and over again because it's just not our time to learn them. But sooner or later you will, when the timings right for you.
I've been there and done it myself so you're definitely not alone. I lost 10kg whilst I was overseas only to gain 4kg whilst on my holidays. I'm back at it again because if there's one thing I'm good at it's not giving up. I don't care how long it takes me because I have all the time in the world, but eventually I'll get to where I'm going with my health and fitness. And you will too.
I'm always here for you if/when you need a shoulder or friend.
Lia xxx
Thank you Lia...as you know (from Lindy's forum all that time ago), I wear my heart on my sleeve and need to share. I think that is what was so empowering about talking to Michael...I'd stopped being honest with him. And yes, we will both get there, because you're right. We do have all the time in the world.xo
DeleteSandra, REALITY CHECK!! You have beautiful clear and smooth skin and eyes that sparkle. You may not feel good from within but trust me, nobody would know from your outward appearance. Having said that, I totally get how you feel and where you're at. I know from experience that its so hard to bounce back up if you havent hit rock bottom to give you that leverage. (Wise words from Sarah May).
ReplyDeleteMichael sounds wonderful and its nice to have the support from him and Kim but at the end of the day its up to you (and me) and nobody else. Good luck sweetie.
xx m
I know you get this Magda, because when I met you in person, my first thoughts were "you are so gorgeous...you can't be serious about wanting to lose weight etc..." but I also get that we all have our own standards for ourselves and I respect that.
ReplyDelete...I also know that it's time to act like the grown up girl that I am and do what's best for me (and indirectly for my family)
Thank you gorgeous.
xo
I love how supportive your hubby is and it's great that you appreciate that (and he appreciates you).
ReplyDeleteI've been struggling a bit of late as well and it impacts on the rest of my life.
I'm going to a blogging thing at the end of June and I'd really like to be able to dress HOW I WANT and not feel fat and frumpy. When I'm 'in the zone' (eating healthily etc) I feel SO good about myself. For me it's getting there (in the zone) that's the problem. Once I'm there for a little while it's easier to hang in there!
PS. I think you look great in the photo you posted last post!
xxxx
Deb, you hit the nail on the head...once I get back 'in the zone' I will hang in there so hard I don't ever want to fall off...(but we all know that happens). Good luck with the blogging thing. Just go for it. xo
DeleteHi Sandra,
ReplyDeleteYou can do it :) Why not you, why not now :)
Wise words from all the above commenters in my opinion.
Lizzie - you're right!...you're all right...:-)
Delete