Yesterday I found out that a friend's 15 year old daughter is pregnant...five months pregnant...
I have known this beautiful girl since she started Kindy at my girls' school. She is the only child of devoted, loving parents...
We have become family friends through our school activities, her mum was a bit like me when the girls were in primary school - sometimes accused of being "over-involved" by other mums.
She is a year younger than my eldest. She is a very bright student, always winning awards, for both academic and "citizenship" achievements. She is an excellent public speaker, she is funny and has outgrown a slight tendency to come accross as precocious...She has played Rep basketball in the same team as my girls...her mum was a fantastic team manager and her dad a regular volunteer on the bench. They never missed one of her games...
She has had the same boyfriend since Yr 8...I remember once running into her dad at our local Chinese restaurant and he asking me "How are you coping with the whole boyfriend thing? Xxxx has a serious boyfriend now, geez it's hard..."...I didn't have any good advice for him...just shrugged it off and told him there was no such thing as a "serious" boyfriend at our girls' age, and that it would pass.
But it didn't - he is the father of her baby.
I feel like saying to her parents - She is the unlucky one...so many teenagers are having sex but not falling pregnant...
What I probably should be saying is - She is the lucky one...you are a beautiful family and I know you will support her and her precious baby, because life is precious, all babies are precious, no matter the age of their mother, or her marital status...
What is worrying me is that I heard she is planning to leave school...the school has apparently offered that she take some time off and then come back "part time" and spread her HSC over three years...but she has said No, she wants to leave school indefinitely to raise her baby.
What a tragedy if she doesn't continue her education.
I am in shock. I don't know what to say to them.
What sort of a friend am I?
What is the right thing to say?
Should I be sad...?
FABULOUS SANDRA! ... The ramblings of a 40 - something wife and mum on a journey to be the best version of me.
Oh my, thats a tough one. I can only think how I'd want my friends to handle the situation if it was my daughter. Here is what I'd want: not to be judged; not to be bombarded with advice/opinions; a good listenting ear when I needed it and perhaps a kind word without the expectation that I'll open up. I think its ok to ask how everybody is, show care but then leave it up to them to talk about it if they wish.
ReplyDeleteBut I admit, I'd struggle with it all.
M
PS If you do come, please let me know so we can tee up a coffee and chat :-) xx
I think Magda is absolutely right.
ReplyDeleteI had my first son just 3 weeks before my 18th Birthday, it wasn't planned and it did mean that I couldn't go on to uni as expected but it was a good thing for me.
I loved being a Mum and when he started school I went back to finish my education.
I stayed with his father for 13 years and we remain such good friends.
I've never had a moments regret.
I dont feel I missed out on anything, I just found different ways of doing things.
That doesn't mean I would encourage anyone to choose to have a child so young but what's done is done.
So it's ok to feel a little sad, I would in your position but that's sadness for the way we think things should have been and it's just not the way things are.
It may be that the way things are turn out to be a good and positive thing for this girl and her family in the long run however hard it is right now.
Love, support and acceptance are the only things that really matter right now.
You're both right. I have not spoken to the family yet, but my family and I will support them unconditionally...I'm not a big believer in "things happen for a reason" but I do believe that the higher powers (call it God, the Universe, what you will) won't dish out something you can't handle, and I truly believe if there's one family that will handle this situation well then this is the one.
ReplyDeleteSandra, you are a caring and accepting person and that will really come through in this difficult circumstance. You'll instinctively know "what's right."
ReplyDeletexx
Sandra, I wouldn't say anything because life has a funny way of sorting itself out and I know so many girls who became single mums who ended up going back to their education and making a real success of their life. It seems hard now and we don't understand it, but it's all happening for a (beautiful) reason...
ReplyDeleteI agree with you all...I just needed to put it out there, I didn't want to talk to anyone that knows the family because I would feel disloyal and like I was "gossiping"...not what I'm like at all.
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