What would she want for Christmas...?

The lead-up to Christmas 2005 -

I was heading down to do my Christmas shopping - in one hit, as I do - I seem to remember it was the last week of school, so I took advantage of no kiddies with me and set off after school drop-off.

Five minutes down the road the thought hit me, a question appeared out of nowhere : "What do you get an eighteen month old? What would she want for Christmas? What did I get her sisters at this age?"...the tears flowed until I could no longer see to drive safely and I found a spot to stop on the side of the road. Then I just sobbed, out loud, in the loneliness and safety of my car, with the radio on, in full view of passing traffic, out of control.

The grief hadn't passed...the grieving never stops. Sure, you can pull on a brave face, and make sure the children that you do have don't notice how sad you are...because you are so happy and full of joy to have THEM, but at the same time you are so sad that you never got to make a beautiful Christmas for the little girl who left you before she was born...

...and every year it returns, this wondering, this emptyness...she'd be eight and a half this Christmas...I don't just think of her at Christmas, but I no longer think of her every day...I was told the wound would heal, and the scar would fade, and while that is true, I know I will never forget her, and never stop wishing she was with me,instead of watching over me...I wish I'd got to watch over her.

Every year our family gets together...I only see one of my brothers once a year (at Christmas)...his youngest (a beautiful boy with golden curls) was born three months after Maryanne...they were to have been playmates, his mum and I were pregnant sort of at the same time...I made fun of her when my morning sickness eased, because she still had three months of what I'd just been through...

Every year I try to keep it together on that one day, with that little boy full of energy and life...he's very tall for his age, but so are my girls, so it gives me a good gauge of how tall Maryanne would be every year...last year, for the first time, I caught Hubby looking at him with a funny look in his eyes...later he told me he was wondering the same thing..."Is that how tall my girl would be right now?"



*****Merry Christmas, my angel, Mummy loves you and misses you...*****