One Step Forward....

Let's just say after a few days RIGHT ON TRACK, I allowed life to take over and put myself last ... again...

We sanded and polished/lacquered the living areas this weekend. I took the girls to Hubby's parents because the way the house is "working" at the moment, we would be almost cut off certain areas of the house while waiting for lacquer to dry etc, and as my parents in law had expressed an interest in having the girls over during the holidays, we thought this would tie in nicely...


We dropped the girls off on Wednesday evening. Thursday went pretty well, I did an RPM class, my legs (quads in particular) were aching from Pump the day before, but I thought giving them a run on the bike would get some of that lactic acid moving...

Friday morning we hired the floor sander. I had heaps of paperwork to do, so couldn't help with moving furniture around etc.

All was going well until about 1pm when I got a call from m-i-l saying that they had set out to go to the movies but had turned around because Cassie was feeling unwell and looking very pale...I remembered her period was probably due so suggested paracetamol and a lie down and she'd be fine in a couple of hours - I had a chat with Cassie and she confirmed that she did indeed have her period and needed a sleep...

However I then started to get text messages from Maddie, telling me she was worried about Cassie, and that if it was her, she'd like to be home etc etc. My parents in law had planned to take the girls to the city on Saturday for yum-cha, and Maddie expressed concern about how Cassie would be feeling the next day and how a train trip into town was probably not the best idea...I began to suspect there might be something else wrong with Cassie, so I told Hubby I thought it best if I picked the girls up, and I set off on the hour and a quarter trip...all up it would take me two and a half hours there and back...

Hubby wasn't happy, as he was just getting ready to sand, and he really felt it would be too uncomfortable for the girls to manage without walking through our living areas for a couple of days, but what could I do...?



To cut a long story short - I got there and Cassie was asleep, when I woke her up she was fine, as I had first thought, it was just period pain, and I know that all the girls need is some painkiller and a couple of hours sleep before they can re-join the living world again ;-)


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If you've read my Blog in the past, you know that Hubby and I have had NO help whatsoever with raising our girls...my mother in law becomes very flustered when anything is short of perfect...she was like this when they were babies, she attempted to babysit Maddie once, and when I came back the baby was bawling...m-i-l was walking around with this crying baby, so I asked, "have you changed her nappy?" - NO......"have you given her a bottle?" - NO

Her reply "the baby cried and cried and it made me so miserable that I didn't know what to do so I ended up crying with her..."

So I've never felt really confident that my girls would be well looked after if I left them with their grandparents, however as the girls are older, I thought it wouldn't hurt...


When I walked in to pick up the girls last Friday,m-i-l said "I didn't feel it was my right to have to look after her while she was sick"...and then "I didn't want to take the risk..."


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!! What risk???? The kid had period pain, give her two hours and she was happy and bouncy again...

Oh, and did I mention that all of Maddie's texts were directed by grandma? Apparently she told Maddie to text me so that I would come and get them...




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It frustrates me that something like this has the power to throw me into turmoil and results in me missing my workouts and making less than suitable choices when it came to food...


The floor looks great. My kids are happy and well looked after (by their parents). Tomorrow I am going grocery and fruit and veg shopping. Tomorrow I am going to the gym.

Let's begin this week in a positive frame of mind. I have no choice. I will finish the week off well.


I WILL JFDI

Feeling hurt and vulnerable

Bear with me - I'll try to keep it short and simple

I just need to verbalise a little...just put some feelings down on "paper" if you will. Writing has always helped me, it's like talking to someone about your problem, it somehow becomes lighter.

A few weeks ago someone hurt me badly...I'm a Crab. Born in early July, if you are into the Stars, all I can say is that I am a fairly typical Cancerian...on the outside you see a hard shell, but on the inside there is a very soft mushy side to me which doesn't cope with a lot of poking - it starts to hurt.

My mother in law misunderstoon a reply from me to one of her e-mails and forwarded it onto one of her sons (and goodness knows who else...?) by mistake, that e-mail ended up in MY in-box and I read some nasty stuff about myself.

I felt gutted. Michael(hubby) read it too. It came into our work e-mail...

Michael did something extremely out of character - he picked up the phone and told his mother how much she'd hurt both of us with her actions. He reminded her of :

* the fact that since I had married him, we had always spent Christmas with her

* ever since we've had children, I have always made sure we catch up for birthdays, Christmas, Easter, they are always invited to School Plays and award ceremonies, eisteddfods, dance concerts and basketball finals

* I single handedly organised their 50th wedding anniversary, her 70th Birthday and his dad's 75th Birthday

* I am the only daughter in law who will ring her every couple of weeks to update her with news of her granddaughters

Michael also spoke to her about the fact that yes, I might be outspoken and "fiery", but I have a lot of people who love me and they don't have as much trouble getting to know me as she claims to have. He also said that he loved me just the way I am and wouldn't change a thing about our life together...


This was a huge and amazingly lovely thing for him to do - you see, he is very "old fashioned" in his dealings with his parents, in that he respects them highly and would usually not enter into conflict with them unless the cause was worth it.

It truly flooded my heart with love for him because I know how hard this would have been for him, but as he said to me, he's had enough of his mother focusing on the "bad" instead of seeing the good I do.


I know mother/daughter-in-law relations aren't always easy, but I can truly say I gave it my best shot. After nineteen years of hitting my head against a brick wall and feeling repressed because my mother in law takes absolutely everything I say and do the wrong way, I've had enough...

If only she knew that the fiery, "bitchy" daughter in law that she finds so difficult is absolutely broken hearted and reduced to feeling insecure and afraid to speak out in case everyone else also finds me hard to take...


I feel like maybe I should change the way I speak, the way I act...but that would mean changing WHO I AM...



Feeling so very low.

Sorry, no airy, light, happy picture for you tonight, just me...feeling gutted and confused.


Where to from here?