What do you get out of it...?

Cassie has always been my "questions girl"...as a toddler, she would spend the day asking me questions about anything and everything...I've always tried my best to answer them as best I can.

She is twelve (for another precious few weeks), so when she was little, I wasn't that much into Google...my answers had to come from what I knew to be true, if not we went to Daddy.
Maddie has never been as "chatty"...she will say something when she feels it is worth saying - very resourceful, she was always one of those kids who entertain themselves...as long as I was in her line of vision, she was OK. I remember going out to parties etc when she was tiny. All we had to bring was her little quilt and some toys, and she was right.


Thursday afternoons are the busiest for me (us) - Cassie has two dance lessons, Hubby plays basketball and Maddie heads to the "mall" with her friends for two hours after school. Us mums take it in turns to pick the girls up from the shops and ferry them back to their respective homes.

I am used to the routine - I take a couple of mandarines, a magazine in case I have to wait for someone and my Blackberry. In the car I listen to music, or sometimes "The Quiz" on the ABC...


.............



A couple of weeks ago, I had picked Cassie up from her dance lesson (at the top of the Mountains) and was heading down to pick Hubby up from the town at the very bottom of the Mountains (about 40 minutes down the Great Western Highway), and then we would pick Maddie up from a friend's place on our way back home.


Cassie - Wow, Mummy you sure do a lot of driving around for us on Thursdays...
I agreed and told her I'd actually been in the car for about two hours without getting out by that stage.
Cassie - What do you get out of it...?
Me - Ummm, nothing really...what do you mean?
Cassie - You know, what's in it for you? Why do you do it?
Me - Well, you love your dance lessons, and Daddy loves playing basketball, and Maddie enjoys her weekly outing with her friends...so you're all doing stuff that makes you happy
Cassie - But is there something about tonight that makes YOU happy, Mummy?
Me - If the three people I love most in the world are happy, I'm happy too.
Cassie - Gee, you must love us a lot, Mummy. I would be cranky to have to drive everyone around so much.
Me - Cassie, when you're married to a wonderful man and you have some beautiful kids that you love more than anything in the world, you'll get it. If they're happy, you're happy too.
Cassie - I hope so Mummy, 'cause right now, I can't understand it.


...........


Lucky she caught me in a good mood that evening - who knows what I'd have said if I had PMS or not had enough sleep the night before...


That's my girl - always making me think...


Yikes!!! It's Thursday tomorrow!!!!
xoxox

Feeling hurt and vulnerable

Bear with me - I'll try to keep it short and simple

I just need to verbalise a little...just put some feelings down on "paper" if you will. Writing has always helped me, it's like talking to someone about your problem, it somehow becomes lighter.

A few weeks ago someone hurt me badly...I'm a Crab. Born in early July, if you are into the Stars, all I can say is that I am a fairly typical Cancerian...on the outside you see a hard shell, but on the inside there is a very soft mushy side to me which doesn't cope with a lot of poking - it starts to hurt.

My mother in law misunderstoon a reply from me to one of her e-mails and forwarded it onto one of her sons (and goodness knows who else...?) by mistake, that e-mail ended up in MY in-box and I read some nasty stuff about myself.

I felt gutted. Michael(hubby) read it too. It came into our work e-mail...

Michael did something extremely out of character - he picked up the phone and told his mother how much she'd hurt both of us with her actions. He reminded her of :

* the fact that since I had married him, we had always spent Christmas with her

* ever since we've had children, I have always made sure we catch up for birthdays, Christmas, Easter, they are always invited to School Plays and award ceremonies, eisteddfods, dance concerts and basketball finals

* I single handedly organised their 50th wedding anniversary, her 70th Birthday and his dad's 75th Birthday

* I am the only daughter in law who will ring her every couple of weeks to update her with news of her granddaughters

Michael also spoke to her about the fact that yes, I might be outspoken and "fiery", but I have a lot of people who love me and they don't have as much trouble getting to know me as she claims to have. He also said that he loved me just the way I am and wouldn't change a thing about our life together...


This was a huge and amazingly lovely thing for him to do - you see, he is very "old fashioned" in his dealings with his parents, in that he respects them highly and would usually not enter into conflict with them unless the cause was worth it.

It truly flooded my heart with love for him because I know how hard this would have been for him, but as he said to me, he's had enough of his mother focusing on the "bad" instead of seeing the good I do.


I know mother/daughter-in-law relations aren't always easy, but I can truly say I gave it my best shot. After nineteen years of hitting my head against a brick wall and feeling repressed because my mother in law takes absolutely everything I say and do the wrong way, I've had enough...

If only she knew that the fiery, "bitchy" daughter in law that she finds so difficult is absolutely broken hearted and reduced to feeling insecure and afraid to speak out in case everyone else also finds me hard to take...


I feel like maybe I should change the way I speak, the way I act...but that would mean changing WHO I AM...



Feeling so very low.

Sorry, no airy, light, happy picture for you tonight, just me...feeling gutted and confused.


Where to from here?