When Life Throws You Curve Balls...

My mum's had a cough for about six months now...a niggly persistant cough that seems to get worse at night. A couple of months ago, as she was walking to the car one day, she was very short of breath and wheezing, had to stop several times along the few metres from the front door to the car.

My brother Eddie has taken her to her GP several times about this cough...she had two lots of antibiotics first, then a few weeks later the doctor thought it was a sinus infection, so more antibiotics and also antihystamines...

Eddie is heading O/S next week, so he wanted Mum to have a check-up before he went and they went to her GP again last Monday. This time he suggested it might be reflux so wanted to tweak her meds...but just as they were leaving he decided he wanted x-rays done just to see how her lungs were...

...there was fluid on the lungs, so he wanted to see what was "under the fluid", cat scan next...

...there is a mass taking up two thirds of her right lung...

...My mum has lung cancer...


Every time she comes over to stay and I hear her coughing I ask her "Does it hurt anywhere when you cough?", and always the answer is "No, no pain at all, it's just so annoying..."

Lately she's been up before dawn, just sitting there and watching TV because she coughs less when sitting up. Some mornings when I come in from a walk/run I find her sitting up with her TV on but asleep, her chin resting on her chest...

She's been looking so tired, she's not getting enough sleep...

We are waiting on a call from the specialist to book in an appointment. I'm guessing he'll be wanting to operate ASAP. I have mixed feelings about that and they're purely selfish...

a) I don't believe in my heart of hearts that Mum will survive surgery
b) I am afraid of what comes after that surgery, chemo? radiation? = more suffering, more pain...


I am overwhelmed and still have that feeling of floating on air but not out of happiness or elation, more a feeling of *surrealism* - this is the last thing I expected, I mean, Mum has already had cancer, she had Lymphoma and is in remission...she *shouldn't* get cancer again, right? Apparently not.



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I was lying awake this morning and thinking how I CANNOT drop my game right now. The girls are both fighting virus infections and Maddie has just revealed she's got some sleep disorder type issues - "Sleep Paralysis" and something strange that happens to her while she's dreaming, similar to "Lucid Dreams" but very scary. Our doctor wants to investigate further...

The girls need me. Mum needs me. Michael needs me.

I need to look after Me. 

***Otherwise, I cannot be there for them right now.***


Last night as I was getting off the phone with Eddie, I was sobbing, and he asked was I going to be OK? I replied, Yes, I was going to go and make a cuppa. "Forget the cuppa" he said "have a glass or two of red instead"...

Funnily enough, there was a bottle of red on my kitchen bench. A lovely client had given us a bottle to say thanks for some work we did and Michael had brought the bottle in from the car that afternoon...

I looked at that bottle and for a minute I thought to take my big brother's advice. Then I remembered very clearly the headache, the fuzzy brain, the sore swollen eyes, the dry mouth that I would experience the next morning from simply having *one* glass of red wine...worth it? Is that how I want to feel just as those around me need me most?

It was a no-brainer. I boiled the kettle and had a nice cup of tea.

The bottle of wine is in the pantry...maybe one day I'll feel like having a glass with friends to go with a nice meal. It won't be because I'm upset or lonely or confused or overwhelmed. It will be a choice.


And that led me to think clearly and make a deal with myself. No matter how hard things get for my mum over the next few weeks/months, I will continue to eat what I eat every day. No sugary sweet, no piece of organic dark chocolate, no kind of processed crap is going to make me feel or cope better.

And I will continue to get my workouts in...sitting on my bottom is not going to make me a better or more attentive carer/daughter/mother/wife...going out for a run or walk with Ollie on the other hand leaves me energised so I should use it as an outlet to *refresh* myself every day and connect with nature. My RPM and boxing classes will serve well to help me unleash frustrations and pent-up emotions...


I will not let myself go...that would be letting my loved ones down.


I promise.