...where to start? ...do I need to recap everything that's happened in the past eight months?...not all at once, I think things will emerge in their own time.
For now I will just state the "obvious" and that is that my beautiful mum did indeed lose her battle with cancer...there was no surgery, no chemo, the cancer was too widely spread and she made the decision to not undergo treatment...all she wanted was to be pain free (that proved to be a challenge) and comfortable (I will never really know whether she was) and with her family, not in hospital. So she spent the last five months of her life in my home, with my little family around her and anyone else who wished to visit. My home has never been so full and hasn't been since...
They were the best of times and the worst of times (is that a quote?...I have a vague idea it's from A Tale of Two Cities)
And so life goes on...and I still miss her - I miss her so much the grief is a physical pain...like nothing I've ever experienced. And I know she's still with me and won't ever leave me but there are days when I just want to hold her, to care for her and do the everyday things I used to do, and those are the hardest days, because the truth of the matter is damn hard, and it's like my brain cannot process the fact that she won't be physically here ever again...
There are times when my heart overflows with gratitude and joy at the good times we had during her last few months...the times when she made us laugh out loud, and although I know that those are the times I should hold on to, the bad times come rushing at me all too often, the constant pain, the mind-numbing medication, the sadness...
And so I am back to blog...about my life and how it has changed, I believe wholeheartedly that my mum's battle with cancer and her subsequent death have changed me spiritually...and all those times when I questioned my purpose in life, one thing is now clear - I was born so much later than my siblings just so I could be the one to hold on to Mum's hand as she died...I was never meant to leave her, and I didn't. So so much suddenly made sense to me during those last few months of her life...it was like opening a box and having my purpose in life revealed to me...and I knew it was so because it felt "right"
I didn't know what my strengths were until I faced fear...fear like nothing I've ever known...but the one thing I knew was that Mum must never see me cry or be afraid, she had enough to cope with without having to worry about me...
During those five months, people were calling me "strong" and were telling me how much they admired me. To say it shocked me is an understatement. I had never thought of myself as strong...but life was forcing me to show my true colours and I did it without having anything to prove to anyone. It was autopilot all the way - focus focus focus - 100%
So seven months later I found myself extremely overweight, depressed, angry and without "focus"
By chance a wonderful Facebook friend read between the lines of a status I posted and suggested we have a chat over the phone...
This clever woman identified my need to find a "new project" and after an hour on the phone to her, my next project had manifested itself.
Next March (2015), I will be doing the 100km Coast Trek. It raises funds for the Fred Hollows Foundation.
I'm hoping to document my training, trials and tribulations on this blog.
Let the next chapter begin - I know you're shaking your head with a smile on your face, Mum. I'll be fine, because you're with me.
xo
