When you hit rock bottom...the only way is up...(I think)

Let's just say this weekend has been draining...emotionally. I'm not sure exactly what triggered it (can't seem to remember as far back as Saturday) but I found myself having some deep and meaningfuls with hubby which left me drained but at the same time have given me the wake up call I've needed for a while now.

There were many tears, a "tantrum" or two...a restless night with little sleep and the stress of having to keep every day life flowing for the girls as if nothing was wrong.

The three days away in such a highly social-based conference were a real eye opener for me and a time to face some hard facts which I've been sweeping under the carpet.

Without boring you with details, let's just say that I came to the realisation that my being overweight is affecting -

* my marriage
* my business
* my social life
* my health
* my self-esteem

In a nutshell, if I don't look good (and "good" may be different things to different people), I don't function at my best in any of the areas above.

During the conference I felt frumpy - I can honestly say not once did I look in the mirror and think "I look good". The worst occasions were the two evening events...sometimes even a well-loved LBD won't cut it, and this was the case for me. I wasn't even able to make an impact with make-up...my skin is looking dull and my eyes look tired.

I also felt unfit - most of the people I went with would progress to a couple of after parties after the main events, and even though I was invited, I just didn't go along. I just wanted to get to bed as early as possible and I guess this could also be a sign of depression...

Summing up, I felt that I didn't project the image I'm so used to putting out there when at work functions - well groomed, well dressed, confident and confident...no siree, not this time.


During my soul-searching weekend, Michael (hubby) said a few things to me that I'd never heard from him before, and a couple of them I'd like to share.

Firstly, he said he loved me as I was right now. The weight is just a number, but it's what that number is doing to my self esteem that is worrying him. In his words, he would love me at this weight for ever more if I could be happy at this weight.

Another thing he said was a bit of a shock to me - he said that while I was away, he was struggling to keep all the balls in the air, and many times he thought to himself that I must be pretty well organised to keep on top of things. This was great to hear as I am my own worst critic and think I am never good enough...


After all the talking and crying and going over stuff over and over again, I came to a couple of conclusions...that I am blessed to have this wonderful man and my beautiful daughters in my life, and that if the way I am right now is not the best version of me (I know this is a current "cliche" out there...) then it is me and only me that can do something about it. Michael will support me, but he can't do it for me.


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So this morning was my next PT session with Kim...I have done *nothing* that she recommended since I first saw her two weeks ago, so I was a little apprehensive, not to mention a tad frail after this weekend.

Luckily, Kim is a "let's leave the past behind and move on" type of girl...she did however kick my ass with a full body circuit that worked muscles I haven't spoken to in years...oh, and she is very clever at working my core without even mentioning it to me LOL

So, my *homework* has been set. Unfortunately I don't see Kim for another three weeks as she is competing next week and then has some travel commitments. Between now and then I have weekly sessions that *have* to be completed, as well as what she calls "recreational" cardio of my choice to do. Diet will be cleaned up 100%, and here is the bit I like - I have to text Kim after every work out I complete (recreational or not)...I asked her was she sure...I didn't want to be bothering her with my texts etc... and her reply was "It's called accountability, baby!"


So that's where I'm at - I think the biggest thing I got out of this weekend is that I have admitted that I am at *rock bottom*...can't get much lower than that, so the only thing to do is to start climbing back up - one foot in front of the other.


Til next time.


xo

Meeting Magda

Back in August last year, I won an award through my company and part of it (apart from the lovely crystal trophy) was an all-expenses paid trip to the biggest conference for the mortgage and finance industry...earlier this year I found out that the conference was being held in Adelaide! I have to be totally honest and admit that I am not fond of flying, especially "alone"...but the real incentive for me was the chance to meet my blogging friend and kindred spirit, Magda.

We arranged to meet for lunch at the end of the official conference proceedings, as I had about three hours to spare before my flight.

As I got out of the lift I spotted her...a tall, stylish blonde with a killer smile. I don't think the term "blonde bombshell" describes her - she's way too classy. That's just it. Magda just ozes class, a bit like a blonde Audrey Hepburn.

The first thing she said was "Your hair is darker than I imagined!"...I don't think I told her that I'd put a dark rinse in it just before coming to Adelaide...I told her she was taller than I expected...she pointed out her favourite boots - high heels as against my flatties, which I have to wear until my foot issue goes away. :-(

We made our way to a lovely restaurant close by and settled in for a long lunch.

We chatted and chatted and ate lovely food and drank a little wine...

She is one of the loveliest people I've ever met...so genuine and such a wonderful mother...I asked her to tell me Mitchell's story, and she told it with such love and devotion...what an amazing little boy he is. With parents like Magda and Peter, he'll go far.

I don't have a lot of close girlfriends...unfortunately most of them seem to come and go, but I have a feeling my friendship with Magda is here for the longhaul.

She mentioned wanting to do something special for her 50th...and Sydney came up as an option...fingers crossed M! Somehow I think our next visit will be longer than our first!

xo

ETA - I've just read Magda's post and it is so similar to mine - even in the wording...oh well, I guess we think and write very much alike...Parallel Lives...;-)

The PT Post

I enlisted the services of a Personal Trainer quite a few years ago. The person I contacted was recommended to me through a local gym, and I knew her from the local Aquatic Centre...I can't quite remember if I ever saw her teach a class...Pump rings a bell...

Anyway, this woman is about my age and although I know for a fact she has only ever worked in the fitness industry, I was not impressed with the advice she gave me. For a start, she took me through every machine in the gym and showed me how to use it...I did specify in her questionnaire that I was familiar with gym equipment and basically wanted a program written out for me...but she just advised me to do 5-10 reps on each machine...

Nutrition-wise was even less "impressive"...her advice on breakfast was along the lines of "Don't skip breakfast - even if all you have is a piece of jam on toast, then it will get your metabolism going..."

She never booked in any future appointments, her take on it was - OK, we've spent an hour and a half together, You've paid me my $60 so just do what I've told you and if you need a follow up call me in a few weeks. Bye-bye.



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Fast forward to 2003, when I was a (getting) lean mean training machine...Sue (the above mentioned PT) is now head of  the Gym and Group Fitness team at my local Aquatic Centre...I noticed that my membership included six weekly "check-ins" and as they had a Tanita scale I booked myself in, and my instructor was Sue...

She did my measurements, BF percentage, weight etc etc. Asked me did I have any goals? I told her what my goal weight was...to which she replied "Be careful of losing too much more weight, or you might lose your face..." ???? This has become a private joke with Hubby and I...he always says "Don't leave your face behind" whenever I go to the gym LOL



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Fast forward again to last Monday.

Kim has her own very impressive gym set up in her home. I was peering through the sliding doors, hoping I wasn't in the wrong house when I was greeted by a petite, very fit looking Kim carrying a little blue teapot and the "poshest" cup and saucer I've ever seen...the first thing she said was "You'll get used to me carrying my tea around, and I have to drink it from posh cups - it makes me feel good..." Tea from posh cups...? Tick. I like her.

She told me to grab a Swiss ball to sit on and we basically chatted for most of the time...

About diet, fitness levels and goals...also about my fear of flying and my fear of putting on weight while I'm faced with mostly tempting options at the three day conference I'm attending in Adelaide (Hello Magda!!!)


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We are starting off with fortnightly sessions, due to her and my time restraints, but from late June  I am hoping we can make it weekly.


I came away with two sheets of personalised workouts for the first couple of weeks. They are basically simple circuits that I can do using a couple of dumbells and another one that I can do using my own body weight...no excuses for not working out during the conference!

The MOST exciting thing I came away with was : She taught me how to do a proper push-up!!!

..........................Yes, there you have it. Push-ups have been my hang-up for ever...I could never do them properly. Hubby would try to help me and all he could say to explain what I was doing wrong was "You stick your bum out too much" LOL...well, Kim talked me through it all and five minutes later I was doing push-ups!!! Can't remember what she said, all I know is that I got it...and that's all that matters I guess. ;-)


Food-wise, Kim is a big believer in clean eating (of course). She recommended a couple of sites to check out - one is Tosca Reno's "Eat Clean Diet" - which I already know and love and the other was a book by Teresa Cutter called the 80/20 Diet. I am going to try and get that before next week and might take it on the plane with me to read.



Well, that's about it. The coming week is going to be crazy-busy so I will probably be absent for a while but look forward to checking in after my next PT session.



Hope you all have a great weekend...mountain of ironing is giving me the evil eye...time to get stuck into it...I might have a restful Sunday if I do ;-)


xo

Since I last posted...

So a very quick update here as I am busy to that point where I start to feel overwhelmed...and that is not a good place to be for this little Cancerian because it means I just want to crawl right back into my good old shell and not come out...

I had a couple of drafts for a Mothers' Day post but in the end I just ran out of time and decided to enjoy the day and go with the flow and forget the internet for 24 hours...


I had a lovely day, was spoilt rotten by my beautiful family and at the end of it I felt like I truly am blessed and life is good.

It was the first year in a while when they've actually been up before me - I usually get up and when the girls start to stir Hubby sends me back to bed to pretend to be asleep...not this year. I had a dreadful headache (migraine) through the night and slept in. So I woke up to Maddie saying "Come on, no need to pretend, we know you're not asleep..." but they all got a shock when they saw the look on my face...I was not pretending to sleep, poor darlings, they felt bad about waking me and got me some ibuprofen before breakfast...


Lots of lovely pressies - a scarf, a beanie for my early morning walks/runs, a handbag, a Pandora bead in the shape of a handbag ;-), a cute little pink teapot for one, a box of choccies which Hubby volunteered to help me eat, and a little rooster ornament which we are trying to come up with a name for...

Hubby made yummy pancakes, then took me out for coffee while the girls tidied up and the biggest surprise is they decided to take me to see the Sharks play at Cronulla. I've been a Shark supporter since my teens but have never seen them play...we are not big NRL supporters but the girls love the game so it's growing on us.

Well, it was the best game ever...the Sharks beat Melbourne Storm, who were undefeated until then and are top of the ladder. We had a fantastic time, cheering and laughing - really loved the crowd, lots of families there and a fun atmosphere. So it looks like we'll be back for their next home game in June :-)



We then dropped in to mother in law's for dinner (We'd had mum for the morning and dropped her off to my brother on our way to the game)

Yep - a lovely day.

Since then the week has gone so quickly. I had my first PT session on Monday, but that's a whole post for another time.

I have to confess that I started this post a couple of days ago and since then I have taken the bull by the horns and got down to some serious decluttering of my desk and organising in general. Don't know where I got the energy from but it feels really good to be working in a clear organised space and it has flowed on to the kitchen too and life is so much easier.

I have cooked every night this week, which meant that last night and tonight we are feasting on yummy left overs - slow cooked lamb shanks, sweet potato shepherd's pie and pumpkin and lentil soup...yum - love Autumn and Winter food.

I am starting to prioritise work time and "block" periods of time during which I am NOT on the net or reading blogs etc and periods of time when I just do whatever housework absolutely NEEDS to be done. It's working well and I am feeling on top of things...for now.

Next Wednesday I head off to sunny (I hope) Adelaide for my work Conference, and I am so excited about meeting the gorgeous Magda in person finally. Magda and I have been reading each other's blogs for about three years now and it feels like meeting your pen-pal in person...geez I must be old...did anyone out there have pen-pals when you were a kid...?

Back to clean eating with a vengeance this week. I hope the scales reflect a loss next week (even if it is only water...), haven't been able to fit in many workouts but that's ok, I've got to go with the flow. One step at a time and it will all fall into place...hopefully.

On that uncommonly positive note I leave you and wish you all a great weekend.

Will try to do a post about my PT over the weekend.

Stay warm.

xo

A New Apporach...

As the first round for 2012 of Michelle Bridges' 12WBT draws to an end, I must admit I thought for a very short five minutes whether I should join for Round 2 or not...

The answer was already in my head, and had been for several weeks...No


The program works, there are so many testimonials out there, I can't possibly begin to link all the success stories here, but there is concrete evidence that it is a good, sound plan.

It didn't work for me...let me rephrase that - I didn't let it work. Simple as that. I just haven't been in the right mindset this year, and my weight has fluctuated within the same boring three kilos week in, week out.


Boring, really, but there you have it. I haven't gained weight, but I haven't lost enough weight to make a difference.



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So I've decided the whole 12 week challenge, on-line-community-plan thing is NOT for me. I have done all sorts of on-line programs in the last few years...IBO 12 week programs, Weight Watchers Online, and two rounds of 12WBT.

I am not bagging any of those programs or plans. They can all work to educate and motivate and inspire towards weight loss and body transformations. But I've had enough of the "group" thing and need to fly solo.


My own "plan", in my own time, borrowing some basic, sound principles from everything I've learnt from the weight loss industry.

It is not rocket science, and I admire the business women (and the men behind them ;-) ), who feel passionate enough to bring it to the masses...from Jean Nidetch (Weight Watchers) in the early sixties, to Tosca Reno (The Eat Clean Diet) and our own Michelle Bridges (12WBT) , these women have and continue to make a difference to the health of overweight people around the world.



So one of the questions to myself over the past few days has been whether to count *Points or *calories, or indeed whether to count *anything* at all?...



My *plan* has taken shape, and it goes something like this -


Count calories - 1200-1500 a day
Aim for those calories to be made up of mainly "clean", unprocessed foods, with an emphasis on cutting back the added sugar in my diet.

(I don't "do" the intuitive eating thing well at all - in fact, it's what I blame for my recent wight gain of about 7kg over six months, so I need structure)

Exercise 4-6 times a week - the focus here will be to increase my fitness and strength levels.


*** I have decided to do something I have been considering for a long time, and that is to enlist the help of a Personal Trainer. Instead of giving my money to a program that I've seen many times before (how many times can we re-invent the wheel?), I will happily be paying a PT to address my fitness and strength - areas which I have neglected, it's been all about the food for me for too long, I've never given the physical aspect of these *plans* 100% effort.


....and my *Challenge* is an eight week challenge...you see it's eight weeks til my birthday, and I want to be feeling and looking a damn sight better than I do right now...




It was quite a liberating feeling to realise that I have everything I need right here at home - all the recipes from my last two 12WBT rounds, a couple of Michelle Bridges' cookbooks, several folders with WW recipes (I can easily convert their Points values to calories), and silly as it may sound - a brand new beautifully bound notebook, into which I plan to handwrite my daily calories in/ calories out, as well as weight loss progress. I also have an unlimited gym membership, which means I can train at one of two local aquatic centres which are fully equipped with gym facilities and offer Les Mills group fitness classes around the clock.


I meet with my PT Kim for my first session next Monday, so am very excited to see what she comes up with! I first met Kim a couple of years ago, she is a pocket rocket, figure competitor and boxing instructor, and what's better, she is a Blue Mountains local!...only lives ten minutes down the road from me :-)




For the first time is ages, I am feeling quite pumped about my plan of attack for losing this extra weight once and for all...and gaining some much needed fitness and strength...




**********Different strokes for different folks**************



I think that was my "aha" moment.



xo

Should I be Sad...?

Yesterday I found out that a friend's 15 year old daughter is pregnant...five months pregnant...

I have known this beautiful girl since she started Kindy at my girls' school. She is the only child of devoted, loving parents...

We have become family friends through our school activities, her mum was a bit like me when the girls were in primary school - sometimes accused of being "over-involved" by other mums.

She is a year younger than my eldest. She is a very bright student, always winning awards, for both academic and "citizenship" achievements. She is an excellent public speaker, she is funny and has outgrown a slight tendency to come accross as precocious...She has played Rep basketball in the same team as my girls...her mum was a fantastic team manager and her dad a regular volunteer on the bench. They never missed one of her games...



She has had the same boyfriend since Yr 8...I remember once running into her dad at our local Chinese restaurant and he asking me "How are you coping with the whole boyfriend thing? Xxxx has a serious boyfriend now, geez it's hard..."...I didn't have any good advice for him...just shrugged it off and told him there was no such thing as a "serious" boyfriend at our girls' age, and that it would pass.



But it didn't - he is the father of her baby.





I feel like saying to her parents - She is the unlucky one...so many teenagers are having sex but not falling pregnant...


What I probably should be saying is - She is the lucky one...you are a beautiful family and I know you will support her and her precious baby, because life is precious, all babies are precious, no matter the age of their mother, or her marital status...






What is worrying me is that I heard she is planning to leave school...the school has apparently offered that she take some time off and then come back "part time" and spread her HSC over three years...but she has said No, she wants to leave school indefinitely to raise her baby.




What a tragedy if she doesn't continue her education.



I am in shock. I don't know what to say to them.


What sort of a friend am I?



What is the right thing to say?



Should I be sad...?

Wasting my time...

About three months ago, I decided to come clean and do something about this pain I was experiencing on my right foot...I posted here about it, told hubby, and saw my GP...in that order.

Liz Nelson suggested it might be a Neuroma, which I read up on and seemed to fit exactly what I was feeling...I saw my GP and mentioned it may be a Neuroma...he ignored me (as he always does when someone suggests they know what's wrong with them) and sent me off to have an x-ray and ultrasound done. I then went back to him with these and he referred me to a sports physio, I waited four weeks to get in to see him, and he then decided I needed a MRI...that took another three weeks to book in, so I finally picked up my MRI last week and guess what the report says...? "Small Neuroma detected..."

aaaaaargh!!!!!

The sports physio had suggested I might have a stress fracture or simply a condition whereby because my second toe is so much longer (his words) than my big toe, it may not be coping with the extra pressure so I may need to a) wear orthotic insoles or if that doesn't work - b)have surgery to make that toe shorter (????)


I am not happy. It seems everyone is grasping at straws here...and I am still in pain...


So, armed with my x-ray, ultrasound (both of which are probably useless) and MRI, I am going to my friend Jason's practice - he's an exercise physiologist and has a large practice with different physios etc who specialise in all sorts of movement related injuries and conditions. I have an appointment at 11am this Wednesday and I am not leaving that place until they do something for me...I want treatment. Now. (I'll try to remember not to stamp my foot when I say that...ouch!)


I have decided the time has come for me to take action...not just with my foot but life in general...I have become a whinger...


"I don't have enough hours in the day" - then just get up earlier or stay up later. Everyone has 24 hours, it's all about how you use them...

"I just can't lose weight, I'm hovering around the same 3 kilos all the time" - it's not rocket science, eat less, move more. You've done it before. Do it again. It doesn't matter how. Just do it.






Life is so short - we never know if we have tomorrow. I certainly don't want every today to be full of regrets. It's time to live my life to the fullest. No more waiting, no more procrastinating. If I want something I have to get it. Today. No one is going to get it for me, so what have I been doing all this time...?

By the same token, what happened in the past needs to stay there, where it belongs. Time to move on and walk the talk.



Time to get Fabulous.